my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
