my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
