Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
