you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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