she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
