her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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