Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
