Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
