i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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