my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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