Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
