i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
