Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
