I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
