the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
