Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
