I wish my penis had an off switch
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
