Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize