HIV tests are more positive than that guy
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
