Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
