Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
