What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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