There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
