Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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