I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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