He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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