i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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