the condom got lost in my hair
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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