i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
The air was thick with penises
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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