As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I just googled if crying burns calories
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
