I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
