This show inspires me to have sex in space
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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