your parents love me but you hate me
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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