can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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