Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
