Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Randomize
