I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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