i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
