I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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