Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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