Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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