you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
