it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
