her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
