i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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