I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
