My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
