I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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