I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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