his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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