Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize