She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
