I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
