hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
