So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
