if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
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