Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
