Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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