New low: just hacked my moms facebook
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
