I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
