i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
