It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
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