someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
