Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
