she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
God, I missed his penis.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
