So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
