I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
