...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
