I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize