I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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