i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize