She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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