we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
