I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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