im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
